How to Read my Mind Via my Clothes
Long sleeve cream sweater and
a pale undershirt with hair straight
means I'm whimsical.
Brown and circus color shirtdress and
amber pendant with hair flipped out
means today I choose to have fun.
Anything black means I washed my
darks the day before.
Anything with my quarter necklace
means I'm feeling lucky.
And if, heaven forbid, I wear ANYTHING
gray, it's quite likely I'm depressed--
and probably wearing someone else's clothes.
***
10/29/08 8:00 A.M.
Meeting with Counselor
Is there anything you don't like?
Of course. Losing. Killing things.
Any grade lower than a B.
Being alone.
Tell me about being alone.
There are 24 hours in a day.
I spend about 7.5 sleeping
alone.
I go home right after school,
don't come out of my room for
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 hours
alone.
Why? I know I hate it. (Secretly,
I think, I still loathe every aspect
of my personality, but we don't
talk about that anymore. Still,
why would I want to be alone
with that?) I sit with the phone next
to me, waiting for someone to call,
hoping someone maybe
won't be busy
won't be in a bad mood
won't be with a boyfriend
won't mind having me around.
Do you think people enjoy being around you?
Yes. I think I am an enjoyable person,
optimistic, fun, and caring
(which is to say, no, I can't imagine
anyone wanting to be around me—
I don't want to be around me.
For those 8 or so hours a day
I'm around people, I wonder if I'm
nice enough, friendly enough, happy
enough to keep them happy. And
some of them hate that. How do I
handle it? What do I do?).
Have you ever tried opening up to people? Letting them see that 5% of the time you're not happy?
Yes. And I set myself up to get hurt.
But it only really hurts after they're gone
again and I'm alone.
1 comment:
You know Rachel, that really sucks. I cannot conceive that a person like you could have the option of being alone. You have the most attractive personality I've ever known.
Just like it surprised me when you told me that you never got asked to a High School dance. Heck, I'd have gone with you if I had thought about it. I even had a crush on you once upon a time, though I was so intimidated that I never told anybody. I wish I had something comforting to say to you besides keep chugging or something lame like that. It can't be long that you will be alone. It just can't be.
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